Is your child ‘throwing down’ on a regular basis? Does he or she get so mad so frequently that you are scratching your head, thinking, “what is wrong with my child?” Are transition times, like bedtime, mealtime or time to get off the video game, a real challenge?
Some children are just more challenging to raise. You might notice that your child has always been difficult to soothe. Children with big tempers can be challenging. You may feel like your house is a war zone.
It is normal for children to argue or resist occasionally when required to drop a preferred activity to participate in a non-preferred activity. However, if tantrums last over an hour or occur more than a couple times per week, your child may have an issue worthy of clinical attention.
Children should be able to be soothed by love and comfort from caregivers. A child who is in upper elementary school should calm down quickly, and should not be throwing tantrums more than once a week. If your child is still crying, screaming, and losing his temper, over the age of 8, a significant problem could be present.
What do challenges with Tantrums look like?
- Throwing fits?
- Displaying a temper like a house of cards?
- Having lengthy tantrums lasting 30 minutes or more?
- Challenging to soothe even as an infant?
- Throwing tantrums that last much longer than you would expect?
- Having a history as a fussy baby who needed to be held or could not sleep through the night without constantly waking and crying?
- Seeming too old to have such intense temper tantrums?
Why is Tantrums happening?
Emotion regulation is a child’s ability to regulate and contain emotional outbursts. This system could be functioning poorly for your child. Sometimes, tantrums are being unintentionally reinforced. A child screams, and a parent provides the desired item to achieve peace and quiet. For example, Johnny throws himself on the floor and screams, and mom says, “If you stop crying, you can have a treat.” Some other reasons your child may be having tantrums include:
- Temperament is our innate level of activity or negative emotionality. Some children are not born to be easy-going. They just don’t go-with-the-flow. Their grandparents may say, “that child is wound tighter than a spring.” Research shows that a child’s temperament is somewhat of a lifelong feature of personality. However, your ‘temperamental’ child can be taught good behavior and these tantrums can be reduced or eliminated.
- Anxiety: Some very anxious children will throw fits because they become overwhelmed with an ominous feeling that bad things are happening. Anxious children can generally be taught coping skills and strategies; which should lessen the level of tantrums significantly.
- Early Stressors & Medical factors: Children with extreme emotions may have problems in the brain’s Limbic System, including the Amygdala, a brain structure responsible for emotion processing. Early stressors such as prenatal alcohol or drug exposure, birth trauma, or maternal illness may have impacted your child’s development. Tantrums could be related to a medical condition, anxiety, or a history of exposure to trauma. Children with a medial or neurological reason for their tantrum behaviors are challenging to parent and may require clinical support and intervention.
It is okay for very young children to have occasional tantrums. A typical temper tantrum may last between 2 and 15 minutes in young children and might be 30-45 for a teenager. The issue arises when your child is tantruming several times per week and is extremely difficult to calm. If your child’s temper tantrums last for an hour or more, a problem may be present. Tantrums occurring once per week are less concerning. Tantrums daily or at least 3 or 4 times per week of significant length and intensity are not typical.
How can I manage Tantrums at home?
Temper tantrums can be challenging and embarrassing for a parent. Perhaps in public people give you dirty looks or try to offer advice. You just want your child to stop screaming so you can finish grocery shopping. As hard as it is, it is very important not to reinforce temper tantrums accidentally.
Make sure child is okay: You must be sure that your child is not hurt or sick or crying for a significant reason. If the child is wet, hungry, or tired, provide the needed support.
Be okay with making a scene: You will need to notice your own level of embarrassment and work to let that go. If you feel elevated because your child is having a meltdown in the store or at the park where other parents are watching and judging, things will get worse.
Stay calm and present: If you are prepared to handle a meltdown, be clear and calm in your communication. Say, “no, you cannot have that toy today.” If the child throws that tantrum, you will probably want to leave the public place. Gently pick the child up; do not use words, and leave your groceries where they are.
Once you are in a place you feel your child is safe, put him or her down, and say, “Let me help you calm down.” If your child keeps screaming, turn your body away, but stay present. Model your own quiet, calm demeanor. Any signs of calming or good behavior should be praised. Say, “nice job using your quiet voice” or “good job breathing.” As your child begins to calm down, provide comfort and empathy.
Resist the urge to argue: Stay calm yourself, and never engage in a dialogue with a screaming child. Older kids who tantrum can be even harder because they are bigger and louder. Don’t answer, just remain calm, and say you’ll be happy to have the discussion when he or she can speak in a kind voice.
Do not place demands you aren’t prepared to enforce: If you aren’t ready to endure a tantrum, if the child asks for the toy train, and you can afford to get it, say, “sure.” You must respond this way before a tantrum begins, though, or your giving in will reinforce the undesired behavior. Yes, you are offering the child what he wants. However, you are not letting his behavior dictate the rules. You are in charge.
Only provide reinforcement for positive behavior: If she asks nicely, you can give her the toy. If she is screaming and crying, gently say, “I will wait until you can ask nicely.” Or “When you are calm, we can finish shopping and go to the park.” Then, stay present, and do not provide attention for the tantrum.
Teach your child to manage strong feelings: A good book for a child having temper tantrums is, “Soda Pop Head.”  The story describes a child who is always about to ‘blow his lid’ over incidents with peers and siblings. He learns to use strategies like the ‘push, pull, dangle’ muscle relaxation strategy to calm down. As he calms down, he lets a little pressure out of the ‘bottle’ so he does not blow his lid. This book can help ‘externalize’ the blame and help your child learn effective calming techniques .
Get help if your child is really struggling: Research shows that tantrums respond well to behavioral intervention. Do not feel required to tackle tantrums alone; look into ABA therapy provided in your home to address these behaviors. Behaviors need to be addressed in the moment with providers who have or are supervised by a clinician who has a Board Certification in Behavior Analysis (BCBA). Consider also meeting with a psychologist to determine if your child has underlying emotional symptoms. Don’t hesitate to seek parent consultation therapy as well; tantrum behaviors are hard, and you may need support.
How can Clear Child Psychology help with Tantrums?
We Help You, Immediately
Our Free Discovery Session is a 20-minute consultation where we can talk one-on-one about the concerns and questions you have about your child.
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Our Initial Consultation allows us to get a deeper understanding of your child’s needs and determine if an assessment is appropriate.
We Build a Customized Plan
Our Assessments allow us to determine your child’s specific strengths and challenges. We can use this information to develop a customized support plan which includes: referrals
We Connect you with the Right Professionals
Once we understand your child’s needs, we will help families get connected to the right specialists. No more guesswork, no more wasted time and resources.
We Provide Ongoing Coaching and Support
Our Coaching Packages allow us to continually support families as they continue their journeys. Parental coaching, life-skills practice, and school advocacy are just a few examples of ways we help.